Hello dear one,

Last week I told you about the circles that are beginning, and about the current that runs through them: give and receive, in-breath and out-breath, no fixed giver and no fixed receiver. This week I want to go a little deeper, into what that actually asks of us, because it's something our culture doesn't teach, and I think that's part of why these circles are needed.

Most of us were raised inside a transactional market system. I pay, you provide, we're square, and we owe each other nothing. It's clean, and it's useful for buying groceries. But it's a lonely way to build a community, because the moment the exchange is settled, the relationship ends. Without knowing it, we can also set up our families this way. You do this for me. Then I'll do this for you. And withdrawing our attention when they don't do their part of the bargain, preferably with joy.

There is another way, older and deeper. Robin Wall Kimmerer writes about it beautifully in Braiding Sweetgrass, a book I've been savoring these past few weeks. (Have you read it?) She describes the gift economy of her Potawatomi ancestors, and she draws a distinction that feels right to me:

"From the viewpoint of a private property economy, the 'gift' is deemed to be 'free' because we obtain it free of charge, at no cost. But in the gift economy, gifts are not free. The essence of the gift is that it creates a set of relationships. The currency of a gift economy is, at its root, reciprocity."

The gift creates the bond. That's the whole thing. When you receive something as a gift rather than a purchase, you're woven into relationship with the one who gave it, and something in you wants to keep the current moving. Not to pay it back and be done, but to pass it on.

And here is the part that gives me such hope. Kimmerer writes:

"Gratitude and reciprocity are the currency of a gift economy, and they have the remarkable property of multiplying with every exchange, their energy concentrating as they pass from hand to hand, a truly renewable resource."

Multiplying. Not depleting. This is the opposite of the scarcity we're taught, the fear that if I give, I'll have less. In a circle of reciprocity, giving generates more. "That is the fundamental nature of gifts: they move, and their value increases with their passage."

I can already hear you, if you're feeling depleted, if you've been in situations where you give and give and it feels like you get nothing back unless you force it. How will this actually work? What I can tell you is that it is possible. That it takes some adjustments, and we'll be co-creating and learning the how of this together. It takes being aware of what you need, being able to ask for it, and staying open to where the need may be met from in ways you may not be expecting.

So when I say these circles are by donation, here is what I mean, because donation is only one kind of reciprocity, and it is never the price of belonging.

If you're able to contribute financially, that's one beautiful way to add your energy to the circle and help hold space for someone who can't right now. But money is just one gift among many. You add to the circle by showing up. By listening. By witnessing someone else's story with a soft heart. By offering a word when it's needed, or silence when that's the gift. By bringing a skill, a prayer, a meal, a ride, your presence, your care.

Some of you have already begun this on your own. I know members who have been quietly exchanging support with one another, trading what each has for what each needs. That is the circle, alive and moving. It's exactly what I hope to nurture, both inside and outside of the circle space.

There's just one thing I'll ask us to respectfully hold. This is a space for bringing our gifts, not for selling services. The moment an exchange becomes a pitch, it quietly turns back into a transaction, and the current stops. So come to give freely and to receive freely, trusting that what moves through the circle will come back around, in its own time and its own form.

Kimmerer names the responsibility that comes with all of this, and I love how she says it: in a gift economy, what we hold carries "a 'bundle of responsibilities' attached." To receive a gift is to carry the gentle responsibility of passing one on. Not out of debt, but out of belonging.

So here is my invitation. Come as you are, with whatever you have to give and whatever you need to receive. Some weeks you'll arrive full, with much to offer. Some weeks you'll arrive empty, and need to be held. Both are welcome. Both are the circle doing exactly what it's meant to do.

Just last week, my dear friend Janet came to our weekly Friday night dinner and said she felt she wasn't contributing enough. What we told her was that she was contributing a great deal simply by being with us, and that there would come a time, soon enough, when we'd need her help instead. When I mentioned I wanted to share this, she said: "Well, that's the way we've always done this. Sometimes I bring more, sometimes you do. It always works out."

That's it exactly. That's reciprocity, not a ledger, but a trust between people over time.

I'll leave you with one more line from Kimmerer, because it's the truest description I know of what I hope we're building together:

"Our work and our joy is to pass along the gift and to trust that what we put out into the universe will always come back."

If you'd like to join us, our first online circle is next Saturday, September 12, at 1:00pm EDT. You can save your spot here:

Join our online once a month community circle, open to anyone, anywhere. A warm, welcoming space for parents with children of any age and those who want to support the community work of parenting. We need the elders, we need the tias and tios (aunts and uncles), too. It's a community. We open with a short teaching, then make room for whoever wants to check in, share, or simply listen. Our first gathering is Saturday, September 12, at 1:00pm EDT, about 90 minutes, co-held with my friends Nadja in Slovenia and Carolina in Brasil.

Also coming in September:

An in-person circle in Largo, Florida, for those close enough to gather in a room together. Our first meeting is Saturday, September 26, at 1:00pm. More details coming soon. Hit reply to let me know you're interested and I'll get you the details.

Think of these as a La Leche League meeting for parents with children of any age (and those who are supporters of good-enough parenting, too), a place to be met, to find new friends, to bring a friend who's curious. A beginner's space, gentle and open, where you're welcome exactly as you are.

If one of these calls to you, I would love to see you there!

Be curious. Be kind. Start with yourself.

Warmly,

Rebecca

P.S. Have questions? Not sure if it is for you? Please hit reply and let me know what's on your mind. I'll reply back personally.